Yet again, my dream has brought me to that place of great fear. It's a closet in one of my old houses that whenever I go in there, I hear a great blood-curdling short scream and I freeze. I cannot move. Like some force has taken control of my body in my mind. Thankfully I have a certain willpower to overcome it. This time, I could chant Namo Bhaisajya Guru Dharani to get myself at least minimal movement to get out. Even now, as I think about it, shivers run up and down my spine. I don't know what the association is, why it's this particular closet that's so strong with some being in there. I dare not go there again.

This time, I was some aboriginal princess, something like Karas, the Xbox game. I start in a peninsula like SF, traveling around trying to find something. I'm traveling around 9th and Lincoln area, with some sort of seance going on, with a band of Native Americans on one side of the street. They break up, and one group travels across a small park, into the romantic restaurant area of the neighborhood, full of lights, pleasant conversation, and parties.
I follow, and find myself in a sort of pueblo place, like a house from a Mexican city with clay walls, open windows and doorways. I'm downstairs and this old woman approaches me, first surprising me, but then I realize it's my witch nanny or something, who's taught me all I know, the music, the witchcraft (good, mind you). She asks me if I have kept up with my studies, and I say i have. I run to my room and grab my plastic magickal flute, and play for her. During dinner, she instructs me about a potion she is assembling, with a base like an inverted glass panpipe, and potions delicately balanced on this panpipe pedistal. Drops of potions are added here and there, with my viewpoint/camera traveling around and around, passing this way and that as if it took a lot of time to prepare this. Then I realize that I am having dinner with family, and the potion is just conjured up. The lights go out, and the potions glow a spectacular sparkling blue as I remove them from the base to the corner of my dinner platter.
I awake to find the TV on yet again, which I turn off and go back to sleep facing the wall (on my left side).
This time, when the woman asks me if I've kept up with my studies, I think instead of my modern metal flute. Going through the living room, I find the carrying case, but find the student flute instead of my intermediate flute. I go to my room, which somehow turns into one of my rooms in suburbia. I can't remember which house, but I know that it's the closet of the room with a very big bed and some blankets, sheets, and pillows are placed between the foot and the wall, for a friend to sleep on. In the corner, at the head of the make-shift bed and next to the patio door, is a shest with a small 50's TV. I open the door to the closet, on the left side of the wall, to find a cloth covering a pillow. Turning right, I see more white cloth, and a suitcase. I can very easily see in my mind where my intermediate flute is, between the suitcase and the wall, but when I step forward to get it, I sense there's someone behind me. When I turn, I see nothing, but hear a horrid scream. Very short, but enough to stun me. I know this sensation from precedence, and immediately think i'm going to be stuck in such a way. I'm overcome with fear, and the need to move and get out of the closet. I immediately start chanting the Bhaisajya Guru's dharani, which brings me minimal strength, I'd say about 30% of normal, but enough to get my willpower up,and the strength to move, albeit very very slowly. It's probably just my adrenaline flowing, and the blood rushing through my ears, but I think I sense something coming my way. As soon as I finish struggling to get out of the room, I force myself awake.

Thinking through this, and partly researching as I type this, it could be what is labeled as "sleep paralysis". It could have something to do with my sleeping on my left side versus my usual right. Left side sleeping only affects me sometimes, mostly in the form of dreams, but I haven't noticed it to affect me in such a strong manner.
This disorder is also associated with a certain low levels of melatonin, stress, or irregular sleep patterns (that one is definitely a plausible cause).

Also, my fear of someone behind I think stems back to the real-life fact that at my computer, my back faces the door, which has really bad sound isolation, and is always interruptingly opened by none other than "loving" (ugh) grandmother with nothing to do than to take charge of making sure my bed is made and I'm not turning bad. So grandmother/mother may still play a part in this role, as mythologically the "incubi" or "sitting ghost" of many cultures documents this phenomenon. I rather doubt this is that important, as I don't recall having a crushing feeling or loss of breathe. Moreover, just the thought of someone or something lurking behind my back or leering over my shoulder really gets me annoyed. I have said this before, this house is not conducive to progress in my practice. There's always this worry in the back of my mind about her. It's hard to let go, but I know it's something that I can accept and let pass. She's just like a nagging fly, with her own agenda and not understanding others. I know that's not completely true, but her hard of hearing, inner translation difficulties (Cantonese and Shanghainese), and limited vocabulary make it very difficult for anyone to talk to her, thus limiting har ability to understand what's going on around her.

Tags: causes, dharani, dreams, fear, mantra, nightmares, paralysis, scream, sleep disorder, sleep paralysis
Current Mood: distressed