so i got very little sleep last night again, now i'm up and jittery and impatient to wait for the damn computer to finish booting up! maybe i have to many background programs....

so last night i have a dream. living i guess in castro, i have to run up a few blocks to go to class. on the bus, there's this indian boy that's kinda cute, he leaves the same path early, i guess he's homeschooled or something.

at the school, the desks are drafting desks, fully angled dekstops. after a few classes, the receptionist/admin recognizes me and says that somehow my record shows that I'm a naughty and shouldn't be trusted. she goes in to talk to the teacher, while i go to my desk to find like a test or something.

somehow this leads to a party in a contemporary loft. some sort of performance, and then there's this really cute, tall, lanky, shy, brown haired berkeley-type guy. after the performance, we gather towards the front door (the area is like a foyer, lower level) and we try to pose for a camera shot. get this, he grabs my ass and lifts me! like a caressing motion, but strong, and i'm just up in his arm, everyone's fine with it. i want to find my camera, which i ask some one else to look for (my bag, no a messenger bag, no another one, green, inside there's a camera pouch.... oh let me do it!) he's still holding me, and leans down, arm strong as a forklift, me rummaging around all the many bags there are, searching, lifting, digging, making all sorts of movements that make me more like a squirming monkey than anything else, almost impossible to hold. i let myself down, searching throughout the foyer, and he's right beside me. all of a sudden.... well ok it's been a small incessant need..... i have to pee. i get into the bathroom, for the second or third time in the dream, put the pizza boxes in the small garbage, and pee.

then i wake up.....

hmm now i'm remembering another part of the dream where i'm walking around downtown, well suburbia really, heading to find a bathroom, walk into a McD, find Juan(TO) there serving, surprise him, have a seat, plug in the charger to my phone, and another really cute boy from my past joins me. I can't tell if it's Matt or Kevin, but he's dirty-blond hair, fair and lightly browned skin, shorter. i have an order of fries, and something gets spilled onto my keyboard, which i say, "Thank's a lot, you owe me 100, that's how much this keyboard combination costs... ok, it's 50. but it feels worth 100. actually we can go nextdoor to get it". then it gets to the school fiasco.....

i know, it doesn't make sense, but i really want to find this tall boy. when i worked at the sandwich place there was a similar guy, dorky, lanky, quiet. maybe?

in your dreams!......

Tags: dreams
Current Mood: exhausted

Yet again, my dream has brought me to that place of great fear. It's a closet in one of my old houses that whenever I go in there, I hear a great blood-curdling short scream and I freeze. I cannot move. Like some force has taken control of my body in my mind. Thankfully I have a certain willpower to overcome it. This time, I could chant Namo Bhaisajya Guru Dharani to get myself at least minimal movement to get out. Even now, as I think about it, shivers run up and down my spine. I don't know what the association is, why it's this particular closet that's so strong with some being in there. I dare not go there again.

This time, I was some aboriginal princess, something like Karas, the Xbox game. I start in a peninsula like SF, traveling around trying to find something. I'm traveling around 9th and Lincoln area, with some sort of seance going on, with a band of Native Americans on one side of the street. They break up, and one group travels across a small park, into the romantic restaurant area of the neighborhood, full of lights, pleasant conversation, and parties.
I follow, and find myself in a sort of pueblo place, like a house from a Mexican city with clay walls, open windows and doorways. I'm downstairs and this old woman approaches me, first surprising me, but then I realize it's my witch nanny or something, who's taught me all I know, the music, the witchcraft (good, mind you). She asks me if I have kept up with my studies, and I say i have. I run to my room and grab my plastic magickal flute, and play for her. During dinner, she instructs me about a potion she is assembling, with a base like an inverted glass panpipe, and potions delicately balanced on this panpipe pedistal. Drops of potions are added here and there, with my viewpoint/camera traveling around and around, passing this way and that as if it took a lot of time to prepare this. Then I realize that I am having dinner with family, and the potion is just conjured up. The lights go out, and the potions glow a spectacular sparkling blue as I remove them from the base to the corner of my dinner platter.
I awake to find the TV on yet again, which I turn off and go back to sleep facing the wall (on my left side).
This time, when the woman asks me if I've kept up with my studies, I think instead of my modern metal flute. Going through the living room, I find the carrying case, but find the student flute instead of my intermediate flute. I go to my room, which somehow turns into one of my rooms in suburbia. I can't remember which house, but I know that it's the closet of the room with a very big bed and some blankets, sheets, and pillows are placed between the foot and the wall, for a friend to sleep on. In the corner, at the head of the make-shift bed and next to the patio door, is a shest with a small 50's TV. I open the door to the closet, on the left side of the wall, to find a cloth covering a pillow. Turning right, I see more white cloth, and a suitcase. I can very easily see in my mind where my intermediate flute is, between the suitcase and the wall, but when I step forward to get it, I sense there's someone behind me. When I turn, I see nothing, but hear a horrid scream. Very short, but enough to stun me. I know this sensation from precedence, and immediately think i'm going to be stuck in such a way. I'm overcome with fear, and the need to move and get out of the closet. I immediately start chanting the Bhaisajya Guru's dharani, which brings me minimal strength, I'd say about 30% of normal, but enough to get my willpower up,and the strength to move, albeit very very slowly. It's probably just my adrenaline flowing, and the blood rushing through my ears, but I think I sense something coming my way. As soon as I finish struggling to get out of the room, I force myself awake.

Thinking through this, and partly researching as I type this, it could be what is labeled as "sleep paralysis". It could have something to do with my sleeping on my left side versus my usual right. Left side sleeping only affects me sometimes, mostly in the form of dreams, but I haven't noticed it to affect me in such a strong manner.
This disorder is also associated with a certain low levels of melatonin, stress, or irregular sleep patterns (that one is definitely a plausible cause).

Also, my fear of someone behind I think stems back to the real-life fact that at my computer, my back faces the door, which has really bad sound isolation, and is always interruptingly opened by none other than "loving" (ugh) grandmother with nothing to do than to take charge of making sure my bed is made and I'm not turning bad. So grandmother/mother may still play a part in this role, as mythologically the "incubi" or "sitting ghost" of many cultures documents this phenomenon. I rather doubt this is that important, as I don't recall having a crushing feeling or loss of breathe. Moreover, just the thought of someone or something lurking behind my back or leering over my shoulder really gets me annoyed. I have said this before, this house is not conducive to progress in my practice. There's always this worry in the back of my mind about her. It's hard to let go, but I know it's something that I can accept and let pass. She's just like a nagging fly, with her own agenda and not understanding others. I know that's not completely true, but her hard of hearing, inner translation difficulties (Cantonese and Shanghainese), and limited vocabulary make it very difficult for anyone to talk to her, thus limiting har ability to understand what's going on around her.

Tags: causes, dharani, dreams, fear, mantra, nightmares, paralysis, scream, sleep disorder, sleep paralysis
Current Mood: distressed

I have this dream. more of a goal, not a real dream during the night of vivid imagery. More like dreams during consciousness of vivid imagery. I don't think this one's very feasible tho, cuz the state of this nation, the state of education, the state of humanity, is rather low. or maybe i'm just pessimistic because of waning love/care. I came to this realization while listening to classical music, Antonin Dvorak's Symphony No. 9, in E Minor "From the New World" (Op. 95), and researching it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphony_No._9_(Dvo%C5%99%C3%A1k)
It's a prophetic piece, and gives hope to the future of the US in terms of music and cultural understanding. There are many meanings to this piece, and many lessons to be learned from Dvorak himself. There are several articles written about this piece, of which I have yet to read, but which brought me to The Chronicle of Higher Education, where I browsed aimlessly and found more about how the university funding is continually decreasing because of the war, which I think is started all out ignorance and arrogance, which seriously reflects how this country's thought patterns are seriously missing and misguided, stemming from stunted education and not-so-wise religions and faiths. Childhood and schooling/rearing are the basis of a person's life, as everything stems from these first lessons in life. If there is no foundation for learning, no goal given to a person, then there is not creativity, which leads to randomized listening, unfocused learning, misguided remembering of lessons and virtues and morals.

.... darn wiki. got sidetracked with browsing other classicals, New World Symphony, March Slav, Rimsky-Korsakov. then i got to the chinese classic 3 word chant/scripture. so much to learn. if i'm gonna study classical music, maybe i should stick to deeply researching only those that have meaning and moral, a story to follow. Otherwise it's divulging in the senses. that might not be bad at all, keeping me in this human realm of form/sentience.

Tags: classical music, criticism, dreams, education, future
Current Mood: chipper

I forgot to document my crazy dream last night. It's a bit late, but what I do remember are those sticky growing tar balls from The Incredibles. I was this space traveling rogue outfit wearing mother that was trying to put together some sort of alien furniture, made of these growing tar balls you stick a bunch of these intuitive things together into whatever shape you want, and just watch them grow, the the surfaces flatten out smooth, forming your furniture. What we made turned out to be a fold-out couch for some weird shaped aliens.
I can't remember how, but I then found myself in a interstellar space museum, with rich, warm colors on the walls, a grand interior, and a group of kids watching some sort of movie in a really cool looking theatre. The screen was set about 15 ft from the seats, and a big pit was in the space, like an orchestra it. I was originally there to take pictures of the place, but somehow I ended up acting as tour guide for a few minutes.

Tags: dreams, furniture, guide, the incredibles

Ok, so I had this really weird but vivid dream last night that I was flying somehow with the direction of a really good friend, whom was an older learned lady, something like Rosario of back then but with a bit more class and attitude. A bob haircut, like R's but with substantially more white; a smart secretary's black clog shoes and stockings and skirt, white top, grey coat outfit.
I think it starts with up at a dinner party, in a really fancy shmancy hotel, when during hors d'oeuvres that she asks if I want to go in for a drive. I have a Mercedes that we take over the Golden Gate to a beach park in the Marin Headlands where the car goes over the cliff, I think, I'm not sure as the beginning I'm a bit fuzzy about. But I do remember that we fly into this blue pole ladder set that is a bit free standing and wobbles very badly, where we proceed to flex it to and ffro almost to the point of the top touching the ground. She starts that she's getting enough and wants off, but i want to continue getting motion sick, which she says ok but I take it to the point where i never want to see a swing set again, when she insists that we go. We do leave, but she takes an interesting U-turn in the parking lot to get out, which prompts me to think she's definitely got some problems. Then I wake up and have to pee...
After getting back into bed, I have yet another dream. This one is recorded Corbin Fisher style, at night. I'm a hunky white college guy about 22, and I flipflop with this other hunk in a grand, old-fashioned hotel, landing us fucking over the round buffet dinner table in the middle of a foyer lain with a wide assortment of food. Believe me, it was hottt! In judgement, I think it ends up being one of the top watched/downloaded vids of the website. At least in the dream....
Now to figure out what this all means. It may or may not have anything to do with the meteor rock pendant that Seth let me borrow to test it's crazy dream inducing qualities. That was sitting downstairs on the workout bench that only has the bar but no weights.

Tags: dreams, flying, men, meteor rocks., sex
Current Location: 2nd home

i know i'm really late for work, but i had to have this dream recorded.
i was back in high school choir performing at this big church in traditional renaissance garb. i was late, of course, and had a lot of trouble putting my costume on, and i know it was going on wrong but everyone else helping insisted it was right. Chris G of middle school was helping me at one point and i'm sure he put a move on me. weird. the rest of the show i was trying to put on the costume, without much luck. there was this accompanist playing baroque flute, and sucked horribly, messing up a major solo. i said, "give me a flute and a year and I'll do so much better, no joke."
now to figure out what all this means whilst i walk in late to work.

Tags: choir, dreams, flute, high school
Current Mood: rushed

it was an interesting dream. i don't remember how it started, but I do remember dressing drag and being invited to an impromptu dinner with the Queen. She sat on a small stage above everyone, but in a formal dining setup, and i was 2nd on her right, making a complete fool of myself by spilling soup all over me. I had on one of gramma's older knitted scarves, a silver skirt, and a maroon tshirt. i don't know how i got myself into all that. wierd.

Tags: dreams, the queen, wierd
Current Mood: embarrassed

This was a very interesting dream, to say the least. I hope I can remember as much detail as possible, because it's really interesting, but it's a few minutes after waking up and I'm a bit distracted with breakfast and uncle's karaoke. Let me sketch it first:
-fabulous open cabin/dream home
-father re-animated after 18 years hibernation, and apparently myself was as well, future tech-zooming satellite searching
-hill climb-bird cloud, younger bro tricycling dangerously
-party/tight sex

Fuck my uncle and his loudnesss!!!!!!! Arrrrrrgh! I know he can't help it, and the walls of these damn houses are way to thin for anything! At least he has a schedule that he follows religiously. I can't remember this damn fucking good dream. I haven't had a dream in ages, and this one that I really want to remember can't make sense of itself in my messed up brain. W/E! Let's see what I can figure out.

So, I first find myself in this oddly familiar home. Kitchen and living room kinda like St. Helena, but down the hall is a little "study", walled on 3 sides. Further down there are 3 bedrooms, I think, 2 on the left and 1 on the right. Mine is the first on the left. At first, that's all there is. Then later in the dream, the bedrooms actually disappear and become the fabulous living room of a dream-house. Great big central fireplace, stained wood-beamed ceiling, and an expansive and breathtaking 160° wall-window view of a beach, i think. The center of this room is slightly sunk in, so you have to step down and up to get around. Very comfy.
It's a little confusing as well, because when I turn around I face that study room, which shifts sometimes between study and formal dining hall with a glass table, a candle chandelier hanging and always lit. A bit mysterious, and rich-goth looking kinda.
Eventually it gets to where the walls have become kinda ancient catacomb like, because my father apparently was re-animated after a 18 year cryogenic freeze. Supposedly that's how the society works now, everyone is frozen for a few years, family members at separate times to keep the population down or something. Anyways, he has and will be spending a few weeks going through his memorabilia, regaining his memory of his pre-freeze life. Apparently I have also gone through this, but I just neglected to store memories, either because I'm just lazy or it's unimportant for a youth to remember his childhood.
Dad is actually a Caucasian, with brown hair, not very fit. As scary as it sounds, he looks like Seth Death. But the things he shares are fabulous. Mom is also Caucasian. I can't remember very much.
I think at this point mom gets us to the side-yard and starts us on a hike, or maybe to find our bro for supper. The hills are rather barren, with really short and sparse grass. and the trees more like short palms trees, but scatter the 2 hills in sight pretty well. We head to the hill on the right, after meeting up with one of mom's friends who says my little bro is up there. We start hiking, and start getting excited about seeing the beautiful lake just on the other side. There begins an argument about where it exactly is, i think, and me and my really little sister can't take it, so we run and struggle up the last few yards of the hill, pebbled and shaking. at the top is a pretty view, but more of well-planned cityscape than anything. We turn around to check mom and see little bro on his tricycle, i think riding away from something.
Mom kinda screams and tells us to watch out. We freeze in confusion, and turn around to see the sky filled with millions upon millions of birds; pigeons, ravens, seagulls, and a few other kinds that are dark-feathered and squawking. The skyline is filled as far as the eye can see. We don't know what they are doing, so we begin to panic. Little bro decides to try to ride all the way back home, but mom yells at him not to, and I agree, because the ground has too many small stones and pebbles, very unstable. He does it anyway, and just before he hits a slope, he falls. We run to him, i lift him into a hug, fall over, and sit up with him in my arms, crying, "You have to listen to mom, ok?" We're all in tears because he almost hurt himself badly, and because the birds are still squawking overhead. We watch for a bit, realizing that they might be in migration somewhere.
Back at home, dad decides to show us his new toys, a PDA, a laptop, and a GPS tracker thingy. The PDA/smart phone looks bulkier than current technology, and I mention this, but he says it's so much more than "just a PDA". Whatever. He next shows me his laptop, specifically a new thing that allows tracking and zooming through satellite. The screen starts as a global view, then slowly zooms in. First it's a physical picture, then over-highlighted with a blue territorial map showing country, the one we are in blinking then zooming. So we're on an island in Indonesia or Malaysia, and it zooms in to the provinces, districts, town, neighborhood, street, house, then it zooms in and shows a 3D rendering of the house and furniture and people it can detect. The house is rendered properly, but the furniture is a bit off, and apparently I am not a living being. Whatever movements dad does is detected, and repeated through the program. Scary!
Then comes night, where a party starts. It's kinda boring for the kids and I, but me being an adolescent (and real life fan of clubs) i am excited. The music and the lights go on for a while, and we wonder when mom and dad are gonna get tired. Someone says that as long as they have a drink, they can party.
Then, I'm not sure how it gets here, but I start wondering about the vagina, and find myself having sex with a woman in another private dining room. She's really tight and I almost cum upon fully entering her.
Then i awake and wish I was with John. *sigh* One more day...

Tags: confusion, dreams
Current Location: my head
Current Mood: weird