music54flute

I wrote this a while ago and thought I'd just post it somewhere i check frequently. Next step: action planning on my walls...

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Monday, November 2, 8:14 pm PST

From somewhere deep inside, or from a distant glow of something greater, stirs a dust-devil, a mini-tornado of energy, of passion, of forward-movement. It spurs my creative energies, pulls me towards the great unknown future, gives a strong lift to my wings of feather and wax. My paths branch out into many, like the veins of a single leaf, to a countless myriad of endings, but all of which come together to form the circle of my life.

I sit here, in my Japanese-college-student-style adorned bedroom (read: simple, cheap.... OK just lazy to get any of my stuff here, instead focused on work and social life), listening to music (was dance remixes, now some Indian violin and tabla), trying to ignore the medieval mess scattered around me, yet find no reason to pursue focus and concentration. I wonder why this is....

I was just talking with my roommate last night about my progress in my life, or my current progression, and found one of my reasons for near-perpetual depression despite basking in the comfort and energy of my social circles. It was also part of his frustration as well, which leads me to believe in partiality that it also exists in nearly everyone's lives in one form or another, or in varying degrees.

As the classical duet progresses, my mind expands to the possibilities that are in front of me the complex parts of life that make it what it is, some of which don't seem to make their appearance as strongly as they used to;

1.serenity, escape, meditation, purification
2.love, compassion, sharing, exchanging, socializing, networking, friendships
3.expansion, opening, learning, education, idea formation and solidification
4.obtaining, possessing, material comforts, fashion, interior design, glamor
5.nourishment, palatal satisfaction, visual-oral stimulation, cooking, eating
6.creativity, childhood joys, music playing, game immersion, visual arts, performing arts
7.animal instincts, outdoor adventure, physical engagement, sweating out stress-hormones, stretching

This is just a basic outline of what I consider to be important parts of living. Just thinking about them now kinda puts everything into perspective, in a matter of speaking. Even as I explore the ideas now, I add more to the list.

The main aspects that I feel are missing from my life are what I used to achieve with a rather religious zeal:
serenity
expansion
nourishment
obtaining

Heaven knows i've been getting quite a bit of:
love
creativity
animal instincts (plenty of clubbing that is! Jeez...)

These I feel have lead me to feelings of abandonment, annoyance, boredom with work and many other aspects of my livelihood. My unique personality traits have hidden themselves away because of these raging feelings that have leaked into the other parts of my psyche, causing insecurities, frustrations, irrational fears and projections into the unknown future. Conversations don't go as they usually go, my smile doesn't shine like summer much anymore, my energy reserves for the other activities in my life are running low. This means less movement and achievement in my career-path (whatever it may be, as it is not clear now), less satisfaction in the areas that are important to me, less involvement in the activities that I feel most alive in, less moving about and breathing the fresh air of life.

It is time for a recap, a starter, a step forward again into the right light, onto the current that will sail me into motion. Now I feel like a dandelion whose seeds have been blown to the 10 directions, only a few of which have found proper, fertile ground to grow in. The rest are still finding their way, exhausted already, but maybe going into the wrong, even dangerous territories.

I remember reading somewhere that human beings are not meant to multi task too much in life, but rather progress through multiple tasks in the duration of life, spending time to focus and harness the mastery in one area before letting that go, moving onto the next, and bringing along whatever is useful while unloading and passing on what isn't. That's the focus that I want, the familiarity with one thought and formula before stepping onto the next. I have been switching between tasks so often that my tasks now all hover at the same percentage of completion, which is still near starting point.

Streamlining, prioritizing, focusing, distraction-minimization, these are the things I need to work on this next week. My goals, in no particular order:
new job in 4 months
debt elimination in 12
new living space within 6
learn to cook healthy, colorful veggie food like my temple and my mom made (stomach grumbles....) in 1
furnish and decorate my place in 2
start my path to a degree (associate's or master's, undecided, but something is better than nothing) 3

There are many other minor details to my living that I would love to fix (like the internet connection here, the computer I have now and it's non-portability, physical prowess), and they probably in reality will be the first things I fix, but I must remind myself of the bigger picture, of the bigger veins of the leaf, of my wings that haven't even had a chance to try to get melted. Not just think about these goals, but bring it into actualization, have something symbolic of the goal placed before my eyes. I may need a “wall of sights” to represent what I want to achieve, what I need to get out of life, where I need to go; otherwise I forget and become re-obsessed with the old habits.

Tags: goals, life, planning

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