this is the year of change for me.

major change.

first off, and it's already happened in previous time, this blog will no longer hold my present and future memories and reminders.

afreesong.tumblr.com will: a micro blogging platform. 

it'll hold memories, reminders, inspirations, video...

Today has been one of the most productive and successful days I've had so far. I like this trend:

This morning, after having gone to bed, and soon thereafter fallen asleep, early around 10 pm, I woke up at 330. Being the lazy me, and no particular morning rituals to perform, I slept in a bit, and lazed in bed a bit. I worried about waking my family up with my rusling and clamor. As luck may have it, they're heavy sleepers, so my morning breakfast of noodles and veggie hearts, with a bit of under-practiced taiji, went smoothly. I planned to do some financial preparations yesterday, but I slugged it off until then, so I figured out a few figures (mainly my self-imposed weekly allowance), followed by a breif but in-depth Amazon search and buy. I'm expecting 2 wonderful books and a toy next week!

Having fun and with so much to do in the morning, I ended up being late in getting into the city for physician's appointment to check my warts. I saw the handsome dermatologist yesterday, removing the last of the external warts, so all that's left are the internal ones, but those seem rather benign. I just wanted Bridget to check on them, see if they've shrunken like the external, but being late, she had a full day, so I'm "rescheduled" for my next appointment I already set up early May for blood test results. Upon exiting the building, I was greeted by a friendly "Hello Friend! Good seeing you!" and was surprised and flattered (though possibly a bit creeped out, maybe he's just a visual person, remembers people's looks more than name, etc) to be remembered by Bryan, the musician/voice actor from OpenHand. I followed suit with another friendly farewell, only to be rung up by the other clinic, Anal (I think) at SF General, and they're soonest appointment isn't until early July! Alright, gives me time to shamanistically try to cure myself, I thought.

By then, I was starving, and it took forever to find something to eat, cuz I was craving fish. I walked through the Haight (nothing was open until 12 noon... lazy pot-heads, LOL), took the bus to the TL (same, only these South Asians are too hooked on hookah!), and finally took a bus to Chinatown, where I went to a place right next to the bus stop on Stockton (where Freddie (*rolls eyes, a tear threatens to fall*) and I got some snacks before going to the 25th Anniversary Na Lei Hula I Ka Wekiu performance) and ordered Rock Cod with asparagus and dau si (fermented soy bean sauce). I thought about, and gave into my sugar cravings, so i got snacks for the road, forgetting i had apples in my bag: butterfly butter pastries and coconut taht thingies. I ate them before and after the next little story, only to be reminded how careful I need to be with my food until my body is in homeostasis.

I strolled down the hill, and got myself an intermediate level dizi from Clarion Music Center. It was a bit more expensive than I thought it would be, but that's only in comparison to the online store prices (40 vs 8). I'm still excited though, because I know the basics of Western flute, which I imagine there being many similar skills, but I don't think I'll need to upgrade anytime soon. I saw some purple bamboo dizi and a jade one too, as well as some shakuhachi and banduri.

I continued my adventure up Stockton until I came near EastWind Bookstore, where I got out the forementioned coconut pastry thingy (i'm not sure what it is in english and i'm too envolved with this blog to look it up, and I've already tried... for 20 seconds), scarfed it down, and proceeded to browse and search in the store for another hour, finally exiting at around 230 pm with: a beginner's dizi book, a Chinese calligraphy study/copy book, a small ink brush, ink, and inkwell.

Yeah, my allowance is disappearing like crazy. I literally was sitting on the bus, headed to Openhand, with my own hand tingling and my fingers just itching to bust out the dizi and start playing horribly, or to bust out the ink and brush and calligraffiti up the back of the bus with my illiter-artistic strokes.There's something special about spending real cash, compared to swiping a card or clicking a button.

I got to OpenHand, packed my bags, and while heading home, I realized something (as I tend to talk to myself, or my guardian angels/beings) pretty important , something about the Bodhisattva/Buddha/Medium Scope's path (as revealed in LamRim) to reveal and teach the paths to liberation to others. I think I'm getting a lot closer to my own door of truth, but I feel I have to walk my own path before I can real start to talk about it. Talking about the future and what I will and should do, I feel, is a waste of talk, a most wonderful gift.

Ah, yes, in saying so, I remember now, what I was talking to myself pretending to talk to others about! I was pretending to give someone a healing, intending to lead my partner (originally aiming to become physically intwined with him) into a relaxation ritual, when I started going through the 10 Chakras! Yes, 10! I have yet to read or hear about it with other mystical/esoteric texts or voices besides the 1 author I've read, but with modern science and the changes of the worlds, 3 chakras are now revealed, one being mistakingly connected with the 6th, and 2 more before the 1st. Quite interesting, but I could not "pretend" to speak with confidence about what these chakras mean, symbolize, open to. Chakras are still a new area for me. As with prana/qi, I know the theories, but I have yet to realize, see, feel, touch, or experience them as real qualities of being. That is why I haven't yet jumped the boat..... so to speak....

My mind is always on the pleasures of the body. I think it's almost about time to give in before it does some serious mental/emotional/energetic damage...

 So I've been up and about my dad's/brother's place for the last few hours organizing and finding energy to clear out the clutter of material possessions re-accumulated over the past few years, just in a similar way that I've been finding the motivation and reasoning to clearing out the emotional and psychological baggage "learned' since childhood over the last few months in order to find my true career in life (which I'm discovering is considered by many to be quite out of the ordinary). 

Tags: finances, life, needs
Current Mood: listless

I've failed, was deeply humbled, and am pulling myself up onto my feet again. I sought help, knew what question to ask, what to look for because of my needs, and now I am more prepared to tackle my life.

I failed at my last job, because I knew it would only be temporary. I let it become my life, because I wanted to perfect being "in the moment", at the present, doing all that I am capable of, accepting that which is given to me. I should've asked for advice from outside sources, from someone who knew me more. I didn't know myself enough then, and I know myself a lot more, but there are still things I will learn about myself, still many things I cannot see or predict. That is where my current schools of divination can come in handle, while I keep it only as a tool to learn more about myself, to tune into my intuition, my inner voice, and all that surrounds and guides me beyond this Body. 

I am humbled by the company, by my coworkers, by my superiors, by the EDD, by my customers, and by this particular chapter in life.
There are companies that runneth over with what they have. There are coworkers that work in harmony and in conflict. There are coworkers that I can love and hate. There are superiors that know what they are doing and not doing, and there are those that run all over. There are insurances and policies out there to protect those that have been "wronged", and to promote those that are "right". There is rarely 1 way to go about doing "business".

There is still much to learn, and still so many different places to learn. My attention span can only handle so much, and there is only so much I know. Books are my savior right now, they are my teacher, they are my mentor, they are the doorways to the answers to my conscious and subconscious questions. 

I have asked, and so shall I receive. 

Tags: appreciation, inspiration, introspection, job, realizations
Current Mood: excited

So I applied for, responded to in honesty, and (as Tweeted and FB Status updated) "was denied unemployment... and an appeal probably won't work with the truth I've told... My moral compass may require recalibration according to my needs... "

My youngest brother Chris goes "Rawr!"..... an endearing phrase I like to use....

A good, honest friend Jonathan goes: "Hrmm....appeal, my friend! I have done it many times, and it is worth it...especially if you were wronged!"... which could be worth a try.....

...... But that's the thing! I wasn't wronged! I just wanted to work the system to my advantage, take the easy route and not build up my own source of passive income..... I don't think there is a way for me to win this.

At my previous job, for which I applied for Unemployment Insurance without really knowing why it existed, I had been given Tardiness/Warning of Termination Notices many times before. I don't feel wronged, I just feel stupid (and rightfully so) for: 

Tags: arrogance, career, frustration, introspection, motivation
Current Mood: frustrated

 I've been considering traveling and finding another place of residence, whether in the SF Bay Area, the state of California, in the US, on the continent of North America, on the Pacific Rim, or the end of the Earth. From what I can tell, what are the considerations for my moving? (And Solutions)

-I'm too cold half the time, and dehydrated, and don't want to spend the energy/time/money to keep warm or re-hydrate (warmer clothing, window & wall insulation, water purifier/filter, humidifier)
-I don't have enough like-minded friends, don't feel connected enough, and feel there are too many people around (attract w/ my subjects of interest & needs, find a smaller town or one where people aren't so connected)
-Feel the need for an outsider's opinion & judgement, and an outsider's experience being outside (CS.org coffee&tea placement, find travellers hangout places and networks)
-feel sucked into all of the awkwardness of government distrust, misguided direction, over-intervention on international scene, absence of self-fix-upping in exchange for fixing other's problems (read up more on international policy & relations, neutral nations policies of engagement)
-Needs to see more of non-humanitized nature - less state parks, more "reserves" (travel with specific intentions to such natural sites/vortexes)

I guess San Francisco Bay Area will be my home for now, until I realize for sure what it is that makes "home" = "home". It could be that I just don't have a place to myself, where I rule and feel free to do as I please, be it sing, dance, play/make music, have lovers over, cook and make a ruin of food, walk around naket. Maybe it has to do with commmunity values, state/province/national priorities, judicial rulings, and the (absence) of governing of schools, budget, assistance, economy and national finance, and religious/spiritual grounding. There's possibly too much for me to really learn, and this is where my "friends" come in handy. Those who already think outside of the box, outside of town, and realize the world is indeed that which we make of it. Alan, Jake, Seth, Jeff, these I think are the ones I can really trust to share my feelings and gain knowledge and insight into the systems in play. There are more indeed, but these are the ones that come to mind.

I'll need to re-address the issues I have with Seth, and bridge them, because his knowledge and insight I do find helpful; like the answers to my dreams, I just need to learn to ask the right questions, and send boundaries. That is where I went wrong, and where he took advantage of me. Basically he raped me, without him really realizing that my complacency at all plans were just the Chinese in me, not knowing nor having the strength to say no. I don't think he understood that... What do I say? How do I say it? Should I just say it, that he basically raped me without my full consent (without really understanding me and what I could and was ready to control)? That I feel used, abused, and unappreciated? I admit, it was my choice to submit to him, as he gave me options, but they were his options, not my options. I admit, I also had not realized what I could handle, what I could accept, and what was good for me and what I wanted and didn't want. Sex for me is between 2 people, mutual attracted, and with enough concurrent attraction, self acceptance, and vulnerability to engage in complete physical disrobing and exposure. I understand more of what I shall and shall not allow in my interactions with people.

Common epithets and phrases to keep onself from being bored and being content. What's wrong with being content or dormant in growth? After all, it is only natural to have periods of dormancy like trees or perennial plants, or to have periods of rest or hibernation like beasts. Slow times serve as reminders that we are already complete in existance, and that there are times when one just needs to slow down, take inventory of what is in front of us, and work with it. It is true that the world is what we create out of it; on the other side of that same coin, the world is already here, why create any more than what is already beautifully in existance?

I repeat myself in saying I've grown beyond my expectations, and realize that indeed here are no limits to what I can grow/expand/arise to. I only feel that there are already resources within myself that can be tapped for an even greater advantage, instead of only learning and branching out beyond what I am capable of. Having lost sight of how content in just Being I was 3 years ago, versus the content Being I was 6 years ago, there is a difference. the underlying essence of me is still somewhere within, but there are other areas of discontent that leak their influence into the other parts of my life. I must refer to an older posting on the different parts of Life that I find need balance (an idea that is often unheard of in circles of conversation).

Tags: focus, introspection, life, peace, wisdom

These past few weeks have been particularly tough for members of my family. My maternal grandmother (po-po) had her 2nd stroke, which brought about a failing of the body. Her first stroke was years ago, causing her language skills to fail completely. While still lucid and aware, she had no control over her muscles and movement. Meanwhile, her reflexes still worked (swallow/vomit), and her inner organs and glands still produced the normal fluids of life. Gratefully, she passed away last night, February 10th, 2011, 7:30 pm, while under the care her daughters including my mother/maternal nun, and her caretakers.

For days I debated with myself about going to the funeral, giving a eulogy, meeting everyone who would attend, watching the tears drop from the eyes of everyone dear to her.

Am I sad? Will I grieve? Do I mourn the passing of this amazingly strong woman? No, I think not. Why mourn, when we only have cause for celebration and appreciation. The breathe of her human life is passed, but her consciousness, her soul, her energies, still exist, albeit in a different form and place.

Her strength still lives within myself (her oldest grandson), her daughters and son, her siblings (6 younger brothers, not all alive), her numerous nieces and nephews and grand-whatever you call them, literally scattered all around the world. Even after her first stroke, her oxen strength wouldn't keep her will at bay to walk down that one flight of stairs to check on everyone and anyone she thought of, much to the cruelty of Auntie Annie's sanity.

Her appetite is what impressed us all, and worried us all as well: we used to call her the living garbage disposal, which, while meaning no disrespect, just meant her body could handle anything her tongue wanted. Her pursuit of unami/siin-mei was a wonderful art, because she taught me to have the most expensive tastes. She would insist and pay for meals at the best restaurants within driving distance (which wasn't far, because she rarely had the patience to sit with the seat-belt on), and knowing the people there we would be fed the best of the best; if I remember correctly, often stuff that wasn't even on the menus. When she didn't have the patience to deal with the inconvenience of her false teeth, she's just take a big Chinese spoon of sauce and sip that all night. I thank her for teaching me appreciation of taste, as well as how to avoid going only by the tongue and ignoring the rest of the body.

She left a legacy of matriarchy (how could she not, with 6 younger brothers), as she used to recall stories of her partying all night long with booze and cigarettes, boys and toys and men all about (go grandma!), and the house being "Her way, or the Highway"... Ok I'm not sure about the last part, but she did have an iron fist; Dad was once forced to stay longer than the rest of my immediate family to finish a round of ma-jiang (mah jongg) as we little kiddies had school the next morning and dad slept most of the afternoon anyways. She recalls having her own restaurant, writing and directing a movie (although a major flop), and zipping up and down the tiny Hong Kong roads in her hot pink convertible.

One quote I find quite fitting now: We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever. Carl Sagan.

Grandma is now with the Eternal, with the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, maybe with GuanYin/Avalokishvara, with whom she most frequently prayed to watch over me.... Me, of all people, as if I really needed to be watched over..... Oh shush.......

Popo, may you continue in peace. I need no protection anymore, you have shown and taught me much, and your family has taught me more than I need to know.

Tags: death, family, spirituality
Current Mood: cheerful

I

I Am
I Am a Human Being
I Am a Man
I Am a Gay Man
I Am a Gay Man of Chinese Heritage
I Am an ABC
I Am a Taurus
I Am a Wood Rat
I Am

I Am a Lover
I Am a Lover of People
I Am a Lover of Culture, Class, Sophistication
I Am a Lover of Music, Busking, Baring Oneself to the World Without Filters
I Am a Lover of Happiness, Sadness, Anger, Relief, Frustration, and Fruition
I Am a Lover of the Senses, Sensuality, Olfactory Stimulation, Intellectual Simulation
I Am a Lover of Furniture, of Lenins, of Colors, of Textures, of Concepts
I Am a Lover of Failures, of Forward Movement, of Forgiveness and Forgetting, of Freedom
I Am a Lover of Life
I Am a Lover

I Am a Geek
I Am a Gleek
I Am a Student
I Am a Professional
I Am an Idiot
I Am a Fashionista
I Am a Guru
I Am a Singer
I Am a Dancer
I Am a Composer
I Am an Artist
I Am a Cook
I Am a Handyman
I Am a House Maid
I Am a Brother
I Am a Sistah
I Am Me


I Am also Positive
I Am Celebrating World AIDS Day by supporting ME

I Am

Current Mood: rejuvenated

Old post as yet unfinished: Yesterday {Oct 9, 2010} Kevin and I finally got around to enjoying 'shrooms in the afternoon. I had a little soul-download-writing in the morning just before heading out to meet him, most of my thoughts and worried written on paper to unload and throw away. I had a deliciously simple Thai pineapple raisin cashew veggie fried rice, while tossing an Yi-Jing (I-Ching) reading in there to confirm:

Enjoyment of an amateur drum circle: experiencing the balance when one girl entered the fray with her flute, balancing between many male drummers and a few melodic musicians.

walking thru the haight seeing most of the streetwalkers as lowly beings stuck in the mud, the dark-greyness inhibiting their ascension to the psycho/spiritual state i was in.

being in Yerba Buena Park and seeing the trees with their myriad forms: the canopy of leaves forming geometric shapes, the solid dirt being the trees' way of matching the concrete. "Trees have a way of finding themselves into our subconsious. Most of us just ignore it." Some of us are very aware of it, and are grounded enough to help.

walking solo towards the temporary dwelling to layer up for the night, seeing the walls of houses breath like the living, feeling the dark energy concentrations in my apartment building, feeling a subtle energy inhibiting awareness and openness in my particular apartment, and experiencing not being in tune with my room, or my room not being in tune with me.

*****
Update: As a chat with William reveals, my inner Creativity/Awareness/Divinity knows what I need. I just need to get in tune with the Divine Within, get in touch with my fate, my destiny, my path here on Earth, find the reason I have come re-birthed.

He sees on multiple planes of existence, knows from his extensive past as revealed from this-lifetime research, and he'd identified a single thing inhibiting my growth: my own place. He's recommended I find a place to myself, a single room with roommates that are not too nosy or interactive, so I can find my grounding, my sources of creativity and outleting. As much as I agree with what I need, something is holding me back, some sort of fear, whether from this particular entity, or my own head being naive and foolish. My heart pounds at the thought of moving out, mostly from excitement I'm guessing, because fear and excitement are but two sides of the same coin.

As many of my friends do not share the same insights and bigger-picture view of the world and it's causes and the mundane existential meanderings, I have very few people the share ideas, open up with the world. Thus he recommends, I recommend, that I go short-term hibernation-mode, a mini-retreat, to enlighten myself to my own past, my own tools of grounding, my own life. To find myself, so that I may find that which I need to share with my little world.

Now comes the time to find out what it is I need in my environment, what my karma requires for me to grow. As far as I can tell, I thrive in warmer climates, with sunshine and humidity. Open air, an abundance of indigenous nature, clear skies, low winds; these are my calling, my environment, my village/home. Because I have not the materialistic means to obtain/secure such an environment, I must do with what is near me: within the next 2 months, finding a SF location with such; within 3 years, finding the place and securing the money to buy such a dwelling in the proper place. SF has been an eye-opener for me. It's shown me all that is possible to ground myself in this existence, and what I must do to keep myself from falling too low.

Tags: awareness, home
Current Mood: restless